Part One: Would You Date Yourself? Part Two: You Determine How Others Treat You

25 Apr

Would You Date Yourself?

So after posting my “Step it Up Oldies…” blog, I received a phone call from a close male friend, that went a little something like this: I enjoy you’re writing. You make valid thought-provoking points, which make for strong arguments and heated discussions, but you don’t speak up for the fellas. My response was: But I’m not a man, I can’t speak up for y’all.
He responded to that with: Yes you can. You’re one of the few women who “gets it.”

Then it occurred to me, he’s right. I’m the type of chick who can “kick it wit the fellas”. I’ve been told many times that I think like a dude or that my mentality is a little on the aggressive side. So here you go guys, today I’m speaking up for you.

This blog is a message to the ladies from the fellas… Specifically, ladies with their hands out, palms open, with high expectations. Go to the nearest mirror with the clearest reflection. Look yourself over and say to your reflection, “Would I date you? Are you my type?” Ladies, we have a laundry list of requirements. Gay or straight, we want a lot. Yeah, the gay girls too. I hear you ags/studs reciting your good old check lists. It’s just how women are and that’s perfectly fine. However, what makes you entitled to more than what you have to offer?

If you want someone attractive, intelligent, charismatic, ambitious, with a decent job, nice car and their own residence, don’t you think you should offer up those same things? I understand that shit happens. Lay-offs, needing roommates, having to move back in with the parents, and supplemental food-stamps are all understandable circumstances. However, if you’ve never made an attempt to acquire anything on your own, you want too much and you need to go sit down somewhere. Go to your corner, create an account on indeed.com, register for some classes at a higher education institution and revise your little check list.

Again, check lists are fine. Everyone should have standards. We all know what is required to make ourselves happy, but are you capable of making someone else happy? I totally agree with dudes when they say things like “yo, I’m not captain save-a-ho”. I have three brothers and they know, I do not respect loser hood-boogars looking for a come-up. Get outta here and be your own come-up.

It don’t think I was aware that I think like a man because I, like an ass, assumed everybody thought like this. I thought everybody aspired to be able to maintain on their own and wanted more for themselves. Silly me… But every time I hear the stories that these dudes tell me, my mouth drops open and I have to ask, “where do you find these broads?” My naïveté had me thinking women knew not to ask for what they didn’t have or weren’t willing to offer. Apparently, I need to venture outside my circle every once in a while, because not one of my friends “needs” a man to supply them with the things they need or want. Generous men are a plus to us, they are dessert, we can get our own meat and potatoes and when we can’t find a way, we make one.

I had a guy tell me he heard a woman say, in reference to the things her daughter asks for, “she need to get a job or a man.” My inner loud Black girl jumped out of me with, “say what?!? Uh uh, she need a job or two jobs!” That statement threw me for a loop. Of course I followed that up with “where do you find these broads?” Ladies, please, I’m begging you, please don’t put it in your daughters’ heads that a man is a meal ticket. Please teach them that whatever they want in this world, they should go and get it themselves. Teach them that if they’re blessed with a man willing to give them the world, cherish him, appreciate him and respect him. Express these things with foot massages, picking up the check when he blinks, Superhead tricks when the lights go out, and most of all a “thanks babe, you the shit”.

Take another look at your check list right now and whatever you can check off for yourself is what you should be looking for. If you can’t check off anything, you have some work to do. Trust me, when you love yourself, it’s a cakewalk.

You Determine How Others Treat You

My mother always told us when we were growing up, treat others the way you want to be treated. This was mostly directed at me because I’m the oldest and was the only girl for a long time and if Beyonce’s “Run the World (Girls)” was out then, it would’ve been my anthem. In time I learned to respect my brothers and that the better I treated them, the better they treated me. When I grew up and started dating, I learned a slightly different lesson; I determined how people treated me. I learned that my standards held weight and when I made them clear, whether a person was willing to live up to my standards or not, I was respected.

First impressions and first dates mean a lot. I have a feeling I’m about to start sounding like Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” but I agree with him on almost everything he had to say in that book. It’s up to you how a man is going to treat you. Your standards are important and in order to ensure your own happiness, you need to make sure they are met. I’m not saying you should whip out your checklist at the dinner table, but actions do speak louder than words. I’m a true believer that women are smarter than men, so sometimes they don’t catch on when you’re trying to imply something with your actions. Therefore, every now and then you’re going to have to speak up. “I like this.” “I don’t like that.” “That’s not my style.” “That’s all me right there.” Know when and how to apply these statements. All of them back to back just sounds like demands and nagging.

I personally, am the type to only say things once. I feel like if you really want to be in my presence, then you’re already listening and paying close attention. I make things pretty clear the first time. When my standards aren’t being met, I say just that. If they still aren’t being met, I start easing out the door. For example, I prefer old school gentlemen. I like doors opened for me, my chair pulled out for me and I like to be helped in and out of my jacket. It makes me feel valued and cared for. I have my own sweet ways of making these things known. If he doesn’t “hear” my “actions”, then I find a nice way to say it. If he does all these things or makes an effort to, great. I show my appreciation. If not, I gotta go. This is a light example and I know it sounds harsh, but another thing I always say is, “I’m busy teaching my daughter how to be a lady, I don’t have time to teach a grown man how to be a man, if he’s not able to read the requirements and figure out if he can be MY man, tough. Next!”

One of the worst things we as women say is “oh that’s okay.” Over the first few dates and/or encounters we lay out our requirements and as we see that he can’t meet them it becomes, “oh, that’s okay.” Then a year later, when he rolls his lazy ass off your couch to go to the store for a pack of cigarettes you jump on the phone with your bestie and/or your yes-man, whichever is willing to listen to your bullshit. Your conversation is nothing but complaints: this nigga ain’t shit. He still ain’t got no job. I had to give him money for his babymama the other day. Uuuhhh huh… He gives me a headache. I don’t understand what the problem is.
You’re the problem sweetheart. You met him with no job, you tried to help him get one and when he brushed you off and continued to sit on the couch you didn’t go anywhere. So why would he suddenly feel determined to improve his situation a year later? No goals, no job, no money, lazy and still getting head every night? A place to lay his head? You offering to pay for HIS kids soccer uniforms because you “care”? Why should he leave? Why should he do better? You didn’t ask him to. Ask and you shall receive. This all brings me to a previous blog, “Don’t Block Your Blessings.” If he won’t give you what you’re asking for, move on and find someone who will.

“Baby Boy”, is one of my all time favorite movies. My reasons may sound crazy but this is just how I am. I’m a very unconventional parent. I don’t do anything by the book. I let my daughter watch that movie and then I say, “you see how Yvette is? You don’t wanna be a woman like that. Jody doesn’t respect her. He never did and he never will.” The end with the so-called happy-hollywood-ending is pure bullshit. Killing Yvette’s ex boyfriend did not suddenly make Jody a responsible faithful man overnight. Clearly Yvette had no standards or she never would’ve have found herself in that predicament.

My point is, however you allow someone to treat you is how they are going to treat you. If someone curses at you and you don’t say, “I don’t like to be spoken to like that. Please speak to me with respect or we won’t converse,” they are going to continue to curse at you. If you do say it and they continue and you keep repeating yourself, they’re not going to change because you never followed up on your statement about not tolerating it. And you know, sometimes when you get up and walk away because your needs aren’t being met, a man will change, hunt you down and make you his. If not, that’s okay. It wasn’t meant to be and you should consider yourself blessed that you made room for what you really want.

Okay, I’m done with my rant. I hope the fellas are happy. I did my best to bring your message across in my lady voice and I hope the ladies heard me.

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One Response to “Part One: Would You Date Yourself? Part Two: You Determine How Others Treat You”

  1. black tea July 31, 2013 at 3:13 am #

    Having read this I believed it was extremely informative.
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