Stop Hating and Get on Our Level

11 May

So… I’m sure the title of this blog probably led some of y’all to think I’m about to rant for three or four paragraphs straight about “gettin money” and being a “boss”. Far from that! This is a blog dedicated to everybody with babymama or a babydaddy drama who has hated on my relationship with my daughter’s father. The title is just for y’all. Stop hating and get on our level!

I wasn’t with my daughter’s father very long before I got pregnant. We were both really young and clueless. We liked each other and wanted to be in each other’s presence 24/7. We had that typical young love going on, however the society that we live in did not allow us to believe we would always live a fairy tale. When I got pregnant we knew it was possible for us to break up and even develop utter dislike for each other. However, before I even made that trip to the doctor to confirm that we would soon be parents, we made a vow to each other. Our beef is our beef. The baby has nothing to do with it.

Fast forward, here we are ten years later and honest to God what comes to mind when I think of my daughter’s father is “that’s my dude.” I’m dead serious though. That’s my homie. My boy. My dog. He is one of my very best male friends. It wasn’t always this way. There was a time when I looked at him and wished he would choke on his own breath and turn blue. I really felt like I wanted to see him get close enough to death to see his life flash before his eyes and then live to know that I laughed while it was happening. (That’s a sign right there not to ever cross me.) For the ladies who think I don’t know what they’re going through, trust me, I definitely been there. The difference is I’ve almost mastered the art of separating my emotions from a situation. As a woman, a naturally emotional being, it’s impossible to have that shit down pat, but I’m fairly close. I stayed true to our vow. Our beef was our beef. My daughter had no clue what the beef was and its going to stay that way until she’s old enough to understand.

Generally speaking, ladies, when you get pregnant and you realize there’s a life growing inside of you that you are responsible for, you sort of fall in love. Being a mother is like being borderline obsessed with a person and it happens before you even know them. From the time you know your child exists, you learn everything about their little personality. While your family is busy planning your baby shower, you’re scouring the shelves of Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby, scanning every top of the line item you see. When you see their little face and hold their tiny hand, you decide that nothing less than the absolute best is good enough for your mini-me. You want to protect them from every possible danger. And then…

Somewhere along the way, you fall out of love with their father and because there’s no bond like the one between mother and child you blur the line between your feelings and your child’s feelings. Whatever you’re feeling towards this man, you want the child to feel it too and that is completely wrong. Without knowing it, you become one of the dangers that you wanted to protect your child from, because you are unknowingly damaging their emotions.

Children cannot bear the weight we bear or weather the storms we weather. Therefore they cannot and should not share whatever disdain you have for their father. If the child has not been abused by the father then the child should be encouraged to love their father as they always have and as much as he/she loves you. I know its hard because I’ve already been there. So many times in the midst of my daughter speaking of her father I’ve wanted to say, “please, he’s a loser.” But I swallowed my words because my beef with him would not be her beef with him (when she develops one, which she will because that’s a natural occurrence in all relationships).

Now, our vow is the reason we managed to forge a friendship, my daughter’s father and I. All we care about at the end of the day is that she’s well taken care of and we know the best way to ensure that is for us to get along. This is not to say that we never have disagreements anymore. Our daughter will be entering teen years soon, her father and I have loads of disagreements. However, we know how to discuss them out of her presence and without calling each other all the dirty words in Spanish and Patois that we know so well.

With all that being said, back to my original premise. Point blank (for lack of a better phrase) I need the haters to get off my sac (and his too for that matter). I’m tired of encountering people who get angry because when my daughter’s father calls, we can have cordial conversation that can go on for hours if time permits, filled with laughter and all the elements of true friendship conversation. I’m sick of the females who scowl at the idea that he and I have no problem taking our daughter to dinner together and giving her the family feeling she requires. For the ladies who are dating and/or dated him, I will only say this, been there done that, get over yourself. If we wanted each other like that, we could have it. It’s that simple. The truth is, we were meant to be parents together but not necessarily a couple. All that matters to us is our daughter’s well-being and the better we get along, the less unnecessary emotional stress she’s likely to carry. Anybody who can’t rock with that has no business in any of our lives.

Truth be told a lot of men and women who can’t accept our friendship are jealous. Even if they don’t necessarily desire a friendship with their “co-parent”, I’m sure they’d like to have a conversation with them without possibly needing a mediator, because you know children feel that and it’s really unhealthy. I believe everyone should want and strive for what I have with my daughter’s father. The best way to start is to get in control of yourself and check your emotions at the door. The next thing you should do is refrain from badmouthing your co-parent in front of your child. Save that for drinks with your friends (and be careful with the friends you even do that with). You’re entitled to your emotions and one of the best ways to sort them out is to talk. But your child is not your therapist, nor your “yes-man”, so find a way to get your ish off your chest other than saying to your five year old “you know your father’s a jackass, right?”. Also, children are not your pawns in the midsts of co-parent battles. Your babydaddy saying his new chick has a better weave than you is not a reason to deny him the right to see his kids. Women love that game. Cut it out. At the present you might be turning the kids against him, but in the future you’re possibly turning them against yourself.

Speaking from a mother’s standpoint, one thing we’re dead set on is protecting our babies. Protection is not only limited to pushing them out of the way of oncoming traffic. This includes their emotions and you can’t protect their emotions forever, but while they’re small you can at least keep your own feelings separate from theirs. Your own feelings are far too much for a child to bear.

So like I said, stop hating and get on our level. Trust and believe, everybody is more at ease at the end of the day.


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