Too Much of a Good Thing???

16 Aug

So… almost a month ago I was dumped from a six month relationship basically because our priorities don’t match. Makes perfect sense. The dumb part is, I knew this all along. I knew from the beginning that I was somewhat out of this person’s league, but being a typical female, I thought things would “change” and I could make them “work”. I wouldn’t say I was actively trying to change this person, because I totally liked (and gradually loved) them for who they are. However, there were entirely too many things that just didn’t match up.

If I were to describe myself briefly, I’d say I’m a struggling but educated single mother in my late 20s who plans to some day take the literary world by storm. I love to learn, I’m very goal oriented and in the process of raising my daughter to be the same way. I can sometimes be dangerously independent and I believe in working hard so that I could play twice as hard… Yeup, that would be me in a nutshell. The other person… Well, late 20s, no children… and I really don’t know what to say after that. I want to be able to say that they at least had some goals, but then I’d be lying. They were more like pure daydreams with no steps taken towards making them a reality.

The situation was quite frustrating needless to say. Let me start to explain with what I’ve learned about my astrological sign. I am a Gemini. One day a fellow Gem said to me, “I need to be mind-fucked, if you can’t get in my head, then I’m not attracted to you.” I didn’t know what the hell she meant until one night during pillow talk with my ex I realized I was doing all the talking. Other discussions with friends lead me to research astrological sign compatibility. I never paid this stuff any mind, but apparently a lot of it stands true. Geminis do need to be mind-fucked. In other words, we lust after meaningful conversation where we can equally exchange ideas and information and when we’re able to form our own new ideas from new information received, something in our brain happens that feels much like a brain orgasm. I really can’t think of any other way to explain it. You always know when a Gemini has learned something new. We have a relaxed look about us with a lazy grin and we’re extremely happy as if we’ve just cum. It truly is one of the greatest feelings. Combined with a physical orgasm, its pure heaven. Let’s just say, I was always just halfway to heaven…

I attributed the lack of conversation to the other person’s inexperience in life. I had to realize, in comparison to other people in my age range, I had already lived to an extent. I was a parent at nineteen and living with my daughter’s father, a college grad at twenty-two, left my daughter’s father at twenty-four, borderline homeless at twenty-six and back on my feet straightening out my life at twenty-seven. Between the ages of nineteen and twenty-seven I’d had seven different residences and four jobs all in attempts to get or keep my life in order. Somewhere in the midst of my struggles, I managed to enjoy my life and experience many of the finer things this world has to offer. I don’t think my former counterpart has been so lucky. I say “think” because I don’t “know” because, I always did most of the talking… get my drift?

I was willing to accept inexperience and lack of goals… Because I am a female. I think my existence alone can bring about change in another person. I know that’s not true, but some small part of me wants to believe that if someone is really into me, they’ll gradually conform. I thought all I had to do was be encouraging and suddenly this person will have formulated some kind of life plan, while we experience new things together. Figga-deal me?

Still, we encountered other issues. One I am willing to take 40% blame for. I am not the least bit affectionate. I did not grow up with regular hugs and kisses from family for reasons I’d rather not divulge. That’s not to say I didn’t feel loved as a child. It’s just that both parents, though in different households, exuded tough love over me. I didn’t need kisses from my mother to know she loved me because the woman is so obsessed with my safety she still checks to see if I’m breathing in the middle of the night if we’re sleeping under the same roof. My father on the other hand just has a very stern way of letting me know that if I ever need anything his door is always open. I have no idea what my ex experienced as examples of love growing up because, I did most of the talking. But my lack of physical affection seemed to really take a toll on things. I learned to talk myself into being open to physical affection. There was once a time when such a thing made me angry and close to being violent. That’s no longer the case. If someone reaches to hug me, I’ll reciprocate, but I would never offer up a hug on my own. Its just not my style.  My way of showing love is my attentiveness to one’s life and a need to protect them from everything harmful.  Whatever a person wants or needs, I will find a way to get it or make it happen for them. I love to encourage people and push them towards their dreams. When I go out of my way to offer advice, research information and generate a genuine interest in something I was never interested in before, you know I love you. This is not so easily recognized by people who need to hold hands and kiss every thirty seconds… like my ex.

I knew this couldn’t work the very first time we sat down in a restaurant together. We were in TGI Fridays. My ex opened the menu and said, “This place is pricey.” I almost gagged. Pricey? TGI Fridays? Since we were in Times Square, I played dumb and said, “Well you know everything is always ten to fifteen dollars more in the city.” I knew this person didn’t know that because the statement they made clearly said “I’ve never been in TGI Fridays (although there’s one or two in every borough).”  I just had to say something to get passed the word pricey. If TGI Fridays was pricey, what would they say to the many upscale restaurants I had been in with my parents with real silver wear, menus in foreign languages, linen table cloths and napkins and expensive bottles of champagne or wine being brought to the table? I wanted to say, “No dear, this is far from pricey.” But I left it alone, not wanting to sound snotty, because I tend to do that.

There were countless episodes after that, that clearly spelled out I-N-C-O-M-P-A-T-I-B-L-E, but in true feminine fashion I ignored all signs and dug for reason.  The person even said it them self, not in those exact words because they were probably in as much denial as I was but they certain alluded to it.  They said, “I have nothing in common with your friends.”  I said, “How do you expect to have anything in common with people you don’t know?”  My best friend had to say what I didn’t want to say.  “They feel out of place because we all live adult lives.  We all work full-time, pay bills, have degrees, some of us have children and most of us live on our own.”  Still I hung in there like a fool…

Then it all came crashing down in one of the longest text conversations EVER.  I allowed myself to be dumped via text lmao.  It’s funny now, only a month later, but initially it was pretty sad and stupid.  What it boiled down to was, “You’re career driven, I’m family driven and this is not going to work.”  All I could think was, how do you build a family without a career?  The only way to do that is by being irresponsible.  I already did that at nineteen.  I’m too far gone in life to consider babies and rings while I’m still in the process of establishing credit, finishing school and trying to get my career in full swing.

Most of my friends feel like the relationship was pointless.  They were all disappointed in my choice and shocked that I had spent half a year with this person.  There are certain things I’m very adamant about and I let a lot of things slide in this relationship.  However, contrary to what my friends might think, I did learn somethings…

1. It’s stupid to date down.  Not to say that my ex is beneath me, but we certainly did not match in terms of intellect, emotion, responsibility, etc.  We weren’t on the same level and I already knew that, which brings me to my next point…

2. I will not be totally happy unless my standards are met.  I’m not the kind of woman who’s on the hunt for the perfect mate, but I do have standards.  From this relationship I learned that my mate is not my child and I cannot necessarily lead by example.  I can’t expect someone who does not have the same standards as me to suddenly have them because I’m constantly harping on them.  I’m not a teenager.  I’m almost thirty.  If we do not have the same standards now, we probably never will.  If we like each other, we can be friends, we don’t have to date or call ourselves having an intimate relationship.

3. There’s nothing wrong with me.  At the end of every relationship women tend to pull themselves apart.  Especially when you’re the type to receive a lot of compliments.  (I hope I don’t sound vain.)  When people get to know me and get beyond the fact that I look nineteen, I get this speech; You’re quite smart.  You’re funny.  You’re really pretty.  You’re so sweet.  Why are you single?  I don’t know…  Why am I single?  When I knew it was over, I said to myself (briefly) maybe I was too pushy in wanting this person to want more and succeed in life.  Then I shook that off.  I didn’t do anything wrong except waste six months of my time.  I wasn’t abusive, I wasn’t a user, I wasn’t inconsiderate or irresponsible and I never put my ex in harm’s way.  There’s nothing wrong with encouraging people to put their all into themselves.  That’s what I tried to do.  I wanted this person to make an effort to realize their full potential and they didn’t seem too inclined.  In fact they were more interested in canoodling 24/7 so that the whole world would know we were a couple…  That didn’t seem like it would get me anywhere in life, so I couldn’t be bothered.

At the end of the day, I feel much better.  I feel like a major weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I now have room in my life for a more like-minded person to spend time with.  I’m not angry or bitter.  No one put a gun to my head and forced me into that relationship.  I walked into it knowing it wouldn’t work.  I guess maybe I owe that person an apology for letting them think we had enough to work with.  Then again, they should’ve known it too.  To an extent I settled and I won’t do that the next time around.  Yes I am career driven.  I’m all about progressing forward.  An intimate relationship is not a priority to me.  Its the icing on my cake and my cake is still damned good without icing 😉 The next time around, one will have to meet my standards or we will just have to shake hands and be friends.  For someone who is not as motivated for success, yeah, a girl like me might just be too much of a good thing.


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