Bored & Reflecting

24 Feb

When I was six years old and in first grade, I had my first crush. The first one that counts anyway. As a little black girl in the 80’s, I had crushes on rappers like Doug E. Fresh, and Special Ed. But my first actual crush clearly set the tone for my actual preferences. He was black… like super black with a high top fade. 

I wrote him a “love letter,” or whatever I thought was a love letter at six years old. I don’t even remember what it said. I know it was about a paragraph long though. The last line was the famous request: Will you be my boyfriend? Check yes, or check no… with the little boxes of course. I didn’t give him the option for maybe. Thinking, I need to take notes from my six year old self. 

At lunch time I went to his class’s table. I was in the “gifted” class. He was in a regular first grade class. I tapped him, handed him the note, and marched back to my seat. He opened the note, looked back at me, and ripped it up into a thousand pieces. Both classes busted out laughing. I shrugged it off. 

When I think about it now, the whole thing is hilarious. To be a kid is the most comical part of life. We are so brave and we do so much without consideration for consequences. I can just see myself all happy-go-lucky, walking over to his table to give him this note. Now I say to myself, why did I want him to be my boyfriend? There are lots of cute guys that I am content with just staring at. I knew what a boyfriend was. I lived with my young mother, and my young aunt and they had boyfriends. But obviously I couldn’t do with my boyfriend, what they did with theirs. So if he had checked yes, what was my next move anyway?

When I got home, I told my mother. My mother will always be my heroine in my dealings with the opposite sex. She said, “He’s only six and he’s in a regular class. He probably can’t read.”

I said, “But I’m six and I can read.”

She said, “Yeah but everybody is not like you. Everybody isn’t as smart as you. Everybody can’t read like you. So maybe he was embarrassed that he didn’t know what your note said.”

In retrospect, maybe what she said was a little fucked up. She made my crush look like a dummy. But, she was young and she was doing what mommies do. She was protecting my feelings and reminding me that I was amazing. 

I’ve been through a lot with my mother. We have literally had years of plain old dislike, tolerance, and endurance. We both would admit to anyone who would listen that we could not stand each other. But, into my 30’s, from crushes to relationships, she is my heroine and my cheerleader. I guess that’s what moms are supposed to do, but she never says anything cliché. She just states facts in a very matter of fact manner. She doesn’t even make anything up. She makes a lightbulb go off in my head, and I hang up from her feeling like a million bucks. 

I didn’t have a point to this blog. I was sitting in class bored. That’s why it’s called “Bored & Reflecting.” But maybe it was an ode to my mom. Idk…


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